How do you work effectively with people with large egos, in a group, such that the situation doesn’t become unhealthy? Those with bloated egos often find it difficult to continue a conversation when the discussion strays from them, or what they wish to talk about.

Egos come in different types. As facilitators and HR managers, you are likely to encounter three types of egos in your meetings.

This is a set of feelings, thoughts and behaviours that we all have learned from our families and significant others in our lives. Individuals with taught egos develop their communication styles and behaviours over time, and they know (or so they believe) which approach is best in what situation (given their frame of reference). A person having this ego type might be strict, judgmental, or quick to form opinions because of the beliefs and morals he/she has acquired. Somewhere in their head, such persons have a manual on how life should run, and they are in place to carry the torch for the cause. In short, they are like a tape recorder replaying and using what they already know, and strongly believe in.

Here the ego deals and responds to the here and now. Individuals with logical egos take the best from the past and use it appropriately in the present. This ego type sees people as they are, rather than which values and beliefs a person wants to project onto them. A person with this ego type has learned the value of being sensible, logical, detached and calm. They search for factual information on which to make decisions and formulate actions. A person having this ego type might listen patiently and gather data to create a rational decision on the data collected. In short, they are like human computers, referencing data and experiences to make decisions in the current reality, and then move forward.

This is a set of feelings, thoughts and behaviours that are more uninhibited, inquisitive, creative and curious. You might experience people with instinctive egos being playful, prone to having tantrums, sulking frequently and often becoming impulsive or emotional. A person using this ego type might explore options and in turn make sure the group is having fun during the process. In short, they are like play dough, molding and creating as they go.

Each of these ego types are designed to protect an individual’s psyche from harm and make the person feel more comfortable. They’re neither right nor wrong; it's simply a matter of taste. For a facilitator, the task is to manage these ego types in a manner that ensures conclusion of business at hand.

When dealing with egos in a meeting, there are some dynamics to consider before you intervene and facilitate the situation:

Is the person you are dealing with a peer, subordinate, or a client? Is the person of the same (as yours) or opposite gender? Does the person come from a different culture? When the people are innately different, there are corresponding differences in values and beliefs, and that changes the way we communicate, and how we are expected to communicate. While dealing with a person with significantly different beliefs and values, consider making it clear, to an individual or a group that you are working with, what your role is, and what you understand their role to be. Presenting this information up front can help you position your intentions when you decide to intervene, and move more quickly toward a joint resolution.

Some groups accept and depend on certain types of egos that individuals bring to the table. Healthy or not, the egos are a known quantity, and something they can depend on for instigating action. Sometimes people are happy and relieved that another’s ego is likely to address an issue they don’t want to address themselves. They come to depend on the ego, or tolerate it, because the results are, to them, the key issue. Consider checking with the group to determine if the behaviour is acceptable. Recognise that people are motivated by both fear and need. If you can determine what a person’s fears are, or what they need, you are well on your way to understanding and addressing their behaviour.

Some individuals are in higher positions because their ego, behaviour, actions, intelligence and political savvy have served them well in the past. They have achieved their current level in the organization and know how to behave in order to stay at this level. They have no interest in changing their behaviour. Mull over the subject of 'position' at the beginning of the meeting. Have a clear understanding of whether this is a meeting for the purpose of reaching agreement with all the players (as equals in the room), or are people’s inputs being considered in the context of roles / positions represented in the room.

A person’s behaviour can make perfect sense to such persons. After all, their ego is naturally protecting other issues present unconsciously. Egos are part of the dynamics within a group and need to be managed.

The results of the facilitation are affected by your preparation. Setting the tone, purpose, parameters and ground rules before you start a meeting is often the key. It is a proactive measure while working with egos which may surface during a meeting.

Facilitation is an experience that involves all your senses. The environment you create, the colours, the sounds, the shared laughter, and the taste left in people's mouths, all impact the experience. Being open to understanding people’s fears and needs, and trying to address the real issue causing the behaviour is necessary for dealing with issues that might surface because of the egos.

The facilitation process, as a ritual, needs to have a strong beginning and close. The end should provide an opportunity for the group to celebrate its success.

Eileen Dowse is an organisational Psychologist and Certified Master Facilitator. Reproduced with permission.

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